Fractured Dreams

Let’s pretend it is the end of 2018 for a few minutes. Life has been mind boggling lately meaning that I haven’t been in the right mood to write.

Last year was a mixed bag. An operation each for Calvin and I, lots of illnesses for me, the continued rehabilitation of my knee and three holidays to Paris, Amsterdam and Mallorca. Turning 30 was depressing, but I think I am over that one now. There were some constants with my relationship, job and volunteering at Brownies. I nearly moved house then thought better of it. Nothing amazing happened in 2018 and thankfully nothing too awful either.

Moving on to 2019. I thought this would be the year that I would be competing again. It has been 19 months since I fractured my knee warming up for a race. Rehabilitation was tough mentally and physically, but I was seeing progress. Last summer I moved from running on grass to the track and towards the end of the year I was even trying out blocks again. However, my knee has never been totally pain free and the flair ups started happening more often even when the intensity of training wasn’t increasing. I hit a brick wall. I was regularly getting sharp pains when I ran. At a loss with what to do next I decided to get referred back to a consultant and had an MRI scan a couple of weeks ago.

The results were heart-breaking. The fracture called an osteochondral hasn’t healed. Not only that I have now developed early-onset arthritis in that knee. The consultant told me that there comes a time in our lives where we have to make decisions. He told me to stop running.

It is no secret that athletics is my life. Since childhood I have been addicted to the sport. I have been nothing but dedicated when I decided to try and make it as a world class athlete. It has helped me massively to come to terms with my sight loss. Athletics has given me a purpose. I never expected to run forever, but I did expect to leave the sport on my own terms. I haven’t achieved everything I feel I am capable of yet. Prior to my injury I was running faster than I have ever done before. I still have dreams of going to a European Championships and breaking the 13 second barrier for 100m. Going blind was difficult and although some might not understand, the news that I may never run again is just as hard to take.

Unfortunately, my injury can’t be fixed. However, there is a possibility that my symptoms can be improved with surgery. I understand there are no guarantees and my consultant strongly believes even with surgery that I should no longer run.

Surgery is booked for 28 February and I will be on crutches for 3 weeks, which will be a challenge in itself. Then I need to go through the process of rehabilitation again. At the moment I haven’t given up on running. It could be argued that I am in denial. I am just not ready to give up on my dreams. I could switch sports, but athletics is my one true love.

Away from my knee, 2019 is going to be testing generally. I am a few weeks away from being on the Guide Dog waiting list for a year. Calvin’s retirement looms ever closer with his 11th birthday taking place next month. I am not liking not being in control of things lately. My future feels so uncertain.

I deeply hope that when I’m writing my review of 2019 that I will be feeling very smug. Fingers crossed that I can defy the odds and get back to sprinting relatively pain free and that Calvin will be happy with retirement.

We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond…